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MOTHER'S DEATH

We've just had breakfast - my dad my sister and me - I ask Dad - "Can I go and get in the bath with Mum now" - I go out of the kitchen and walk down the corridor to the bathroom. I'm happy because I'm just about to get in the nice warm bath with Mum - even though I have to do my exercises in the bath and I don't like doing exercises - but the feel of the warm water and the warmth of Mum makes me feel good - I can feel the heat going into my bones and then they don't feel so stiff and sometimes they go all sort of loose and floppy and then its a little bit easier to move and then it doesn't hurt so much anymore.

So I walk down the corridor and I stop and knock on the bathroom door - its slightly open - there's no answer from Mum inside so I push the door open more and step into the room - its strange - I can't see Mum in the bath - I can see the yellow walls through the steam - the mist on the mirrors - no reflection - just the tracks of drips running down - I should be able to see her - I know she was in here - I can smell the soap and the steam and the hot water - and her - and - that smell - that horrible smell again - like old metal - that mixes with the smell of her sweat every time she has a fit.

I have a strange feeling in my body - like stiffness but without the pain - my stomach's clenched tight - floor's wet - sink and toilet too - I'm moving like in slow motion - up to the side of the bath - the edge is just above my belly button - I look over the side and into the water - its deep - nearly up to the top - I look into Mum's eyes - her green eyes - wide open - staring straight up at me from under the water - they're so wide - I didn't know she could open them that wide - she's staring at me but she doesn't seem to recognise me - like after she's had a fit - her skin looks so soft under the water - she looks so white - her big belly - baby inside - nearly ready to come out - her hair's floating around her head - brown and wavy - hardly moving - I'm not moving - nothing's moving everything's gone quiet - not a sound - seems like I've been standing here for hours.