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EARLY MEMORIES

I cuddle up to you - all warm and nice and safe - I sense your skin - soft

against my face - tiny hairs tickle my cheek - the sound of your heart beats

loud in my ear - budum budum budum - your arms close around me - safety - your voice - softly speaking words I can't yet understand - your body - my comfort - my food - my life.

OOORAARRRGHHH!!!!

Burning - in my feet - my ankles - What's happening? - why? -its dark - so

alone - please help me - show me how to stop it -What is it? - look for softness - Where are you? - Why won't you come when I call? - its like a fire - but there's no flame- inside my legs - throbbing - my hands!   - I'm afraid - I don't know - try to reach out - I need your hands around me - I want to be safe - where are you? - I can't see you - I don't want to feel these strange things in my body anymore - Why won't you come? -

There you are - what's wrong? - something's wrong - you don't look normal -

standing there - in the door - staring - above me - shivering - shaking - you're falling - you didn't try to stop yourself - just went straight down - hit the floor hard - your head bounced off the carpet - your body's jumping -bending up into the air and falling again - twitching and turning - strange smell - sharp and sweet - moving faster - sweat running down your forehead - your face is strange - eyes wide open -big and red - What's happening? - I'm here - Can't you see me? - Please hold me - Why won't you hold me? - strange sound - breathing funny - your mouth - twisted - stuff round your mouth - spitting out stuff - hands clenched tight - hitting the floor- hard - jumping and hitting the floor hard - head going from side to side - What's wrong? - Please look at me - Is it my fault?

Its stopping now - shaking and twitching - sweating - shivering - slowly - slowly - slowing.

You've stopped moving - lying still - breathing softly - Can you see me? - your eyes are looking but you don't seem to see me - here I am - I fall into your arms but you don't feel there - you won't hold me - I have pains in my body - Please hold me.

The bed feels so large - cold - old - old and cold and creepy - it's night time - in a different room - unfamiliar - the window's in the wrong place - it's dark - only the light of the moon outside - curtains are open - mad swirling patterns on the wallpaper -   looking out through the window at the stars - scared - cut off - maybe I'm the only person in the world.

When's Dad going to come home? - half asleep - half awake - watching - reflections from the lights of the cars below moving across the bedroom ceiling - waiting - to hear the sound of the lift - I can tell by the sound of the lift if its him or not - waiting - then finally   - there it is - that deep clunk - the lift starting - coming up - second floor - fourth - sixth - seventh - five seconds to walk round - keys rattling - in the door - door opens - heart beats again - fear disappears - warm and safe - go to sleep now - sleep.

You're back! - I'm glad you're better again - I like it when you're better - you come to me and hold me - look after me when I have pain - But then sometimes - when my pain goes away - and I feel happy - you get ill   again - and then you're not there - and I don't know why -   and the world around me seems so dark - so sad and full of pain - and my body starts to hurt - and I start to cry.

Later - hours later - when you're better again - you come to me and hold me - and tell me its ok - and I feel a little safer and more comfortable when you're here - though I know you're sad for me - and I'm also sad for you.

 

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