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PAIN WORSENS

Back home again - Stuck - in the middle of the pavement - a crowded   main street   -   surrounded   by   people   -   doing   their shopping - waiting for buses - can't move - hips have siezed up - legs squeezing together - twisted - I can't get one foot past the other -   people pushing by on either side of me- don't know how long I've been standing here - maybe five minutes - could be more - someone asking me 'Are you alright?' - 'Yes thanks I'm fine' - 'Are you sure?' - 'Yes, really I'm o.k.' - smile - don't let them see - edge over to the side - little by little - inch by inch - come on now - make it happen - now - come on - Move! -Move!

I couldn't go on like this - had to do something about it - went to the hospital told them I couldn't walk anymore - they gave me a pair of crutches and sent me on my way. Three and a half years with these things - not knowing how I would end up - I've become very aware of the ground beneath me - watching closely for anything   that   might   take   the crutches away from under me - the slightest thing - a single wet leaf - the plastic wrapping from a cigarette packet - a tiny stone - spilt ice cream - a hole in the ground - I can judge by sight the surface of each paving stone - how much oil is covering the road - how slippery the patches of grass and mud are - at what angle to put the crutches down so that they don't shoot out from under me and send me flying.

Its getting worse   - the pain - legs getting locked - got to keep on moving -got to get through - in the market - trying to do   my   shopping - voices all   around - so many different languages - so much colour - siezing up again - why? - don't stop - hurts to move - I have to stop - its getting to be every ten steps now - stuck in one place - can't go forward can't go back - come on - Move! - Move you bastard! - can't move - have to wait   - try to loosen myself up - go into the feeling - relax the joint - free dem bones - dem dry bones - balance on the crutches - take the pressure off my legs - release the pain - come on geezer - how long have I stood here for? - five, six, seven minutes - looking around - watching the people go by - staring down at my feet - hiding my face as I feel I'm about to cry - don't let them see the pain in my eyes.

I'm ok - really I am - ten minutes, twelve - time passing - people passing - cars passing - clouds in the sky passing - the scenery - scene change - about time for a fuckin' scene change I think - every kid who goes by - head turned in amazement - asking "Mum, why has that man got those funny stick things?" - and she says "Schhh, you shouldn't ask things like that" or sometimes "Because he's got a bad leg" - A Bad Leg! - yes indeed - 'bad leg, naughty leg, just you wait 'till I get you home, do that one more time and I'm gonna smack you' - how long?

Fifteen minutes? - come on now - try to move -   ease it up - ease it up now - relax into it - slight movement there - take a step - yes - slowly - slowly - moving better - come on now sunshine - you can do it - you know you can do it - faster - and I'm off - gone with the wind - for another ten steps at least - and then - start to tighten up again - after ten fuckin' steps - start to sieze - every ten steps - at this rate its going to take me two and a half years to get home - shit - milk will be off by then.

Maybe it would be better not to move at all - never to move again - stay at home - never go out - watch daytime T.V. - watch the buses go by - hear the neighbours through the walls of the flat - No! - fuck that - either I stay at home and never move again or I'm gonna have to do something about it.