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MEDITATION

Tape:

I close my eyes thinking that memory is more permanent than matter.   When a friend or lover dies, their words or smile long outlasts any sense of their touch.   Inside my body each cell is a memory which has built matter around itself, and though the events of the past are permanent, the emotions around them are changing.   How I carry my experiences as scars or blessings is open If the memory shifts,   the cells memory will shift as well.    I see the results of memories which have persisted, reincarnating again and again in my damaged cells.   But there are no limitations,   only the desire to heal and let forgiveness flow through my body.   To let the passage of this desire flood, cell by cell, from my mind to the heart of the pain itself.     To surrender up each memory and false belief which knotted and racked my body.   To merge with the river which runs   far beyond the sharp light of pain. With each breath I focus my thought.   Finding the start point for this journey and my past.

Live:

Memories   from   back   then,   deep in   the   past   but becoming clearer now.   Layer upon layer falling away to reveal a truer picture of what... and why...and how...

Tape:

A gentle light diffuses somewhere above and behind my eyes. I surrender my whole mind to the image.    Picturing millions of   tiny sensory neurons diffusing   in a soft chemical release ,   silently bridging synapse upon synapse,   each   one   making   their   choice,   melting   with intelligence and invisible speed.

Live:

Father - I know that you were there for us, whenever you could be. When   Mum died.     I   know   that   sometimes,   when   I   felt abandoned   and needed to feel reassured ,   you   weren't   there   because   you   were   working yourself into the ground to try to make ends meet ,    but you were struggling yourself.....Caught between   the heavy responsibilities of trying to bring up two young kids on your own and having to work all hours of the day to get us through . I know that you loved us. You gave all you could give, you   did what you thought was right...

Tape:

Tickling at the back of my neck and coursing gently down into my nervous system, vertebra by vertebra - the cervical, thoracic, lumbar, sacral. Neurotransmitters and peptides, the delicate flow of information.     My immune system   engaging   and   strengthening,   my   whole   body becoming involved in the beautiful progression.

Live:

Mother - I know that you loved us.   That you tried to take care of us.   You were soft and gentle, whenever you could be.   I remember your   smile,   your joy when you   saw us,    that   laugh.      You   were...yes...you were..the best Mum in the world.   But, you were ill.     You couldn't help it,   just couldn't stop it,   as    you went down,   beneath   the   responsibility,    twisting   into unbearable   contortions, as though 'possessed by the devil'.   The fits leaving you blank and wasted.....

Tape:

In straight lines from axon to axon.    Floating along byway arteries, coursing to their chosen destinations. And breath by breath I let go - breathing the whole world in and out, sensing everything and nothing.     The ghosts of memories moving now as well, slowly to   the   core of   the pain world,   where receptors   lie ready, questions distorted and disrupted by time awaiting answers - ready to be released.

Live:

You would come round again, as if from a waking nightmare, alone and scared of what the future might hold for you. Not knowing what to do, where to turn to, trying to cope, to keep everything under   control.    Your children were around you, looking to you, depending on you.   What could you do?   You did the best you could.....

Tape:

Through motor neurons into the muscles ,ever closer, into the fibrous tissue spreading around the bones.   Displacing and encasing the ulna and radius,   the pelvis and femur,   leaving the passages open and clear for the light and warmth to gently flood in, with messages of hope and change. Now penetrating deep into the ravaged joints , surrounding each island of pain with an ocean of love.    Far   into the blueprints of life itself.    Into immeasurable space where the seconds, minutes and hours of life have silently accumulated. Now moving where they have been still for so long,   finally ready to flow, to embrace me, accepting that the healing has begun.